That’s exactly how I’ve felt lately. Not exactly treading water, but not really getting anywhere either.
Oh sure, there are parts of my life that seem to be moving forward, even if only minutely. The blog is coming along and I’m occasionally enjoying real interaction with other bloggers.
The Etsy store, even though there’s not much to see at the moment, has hit a record number of views already this month.
Plans are in the works for new merchandise to be listed in the near future and the team that runs the shop, myself included, seem to be on the same page.
Finances are still a little rough, but we’re making it, and with a little more grace than we used to.
All of those things are going well, to varying degrees, and I’m thankful and blessed for each and every one.
Unfortunately, as important as all those are, and as much as I’m grateful that they’re progressing in a positive direction, there is an unseen battle I fight every day.
As some of you may be aware, I suffer from a handful of what they’re now calling “invisible illnesses”. Depression and anxiety being the top two, or at least the two I have to fight the hardest and most regularly.
You would think that with all I have to be grateful for, that there wouldn’t be any room for depression (I suppose anxiety is more understandable with starting a new business). I wish it worked that way.
Depression is often hard to understand, even by those of us who live with it daily. The truth is, I can’t always put a reason to my feelings, especially when so much seems to be going right. It seems silly, even to me, but sometimes -most of the time- it’s just there.
Last week was a rare good week. My spirits were high. I spent a lot of time at EQ’s house, which is rare in itself (I really am a home-body). I was focused and mostly happy.
This week, although it’s been a decent week so far (other than I randomly got sick last night for no apparent reason), has been harder. I don’t know why.
Last week felt like I didn’t even have to try really. The joy was just there. This week is feeling like “fake it till you make it”.
Used to, I didn’t blog, or even write, when I was depressed, or fighting with my depression, but I promised myself this time that I wouldn’t leave the crickets chirping here because of it. That even if all I could say was that I was struggling, that I’d say something. I’m keeping my word.
I realize no one wants to hear someone go on and on about things like this, but the truth is, depression is just as much a part of the woman behind this blog as anything else. It is what it is.
Tomorrow, or even later today, I might be fine. This time next week, I might be in the throws of a depression I can’t crawl out of.
All I know for sure is that for today, I’m fighting it. I may not never win the war, but at least I feel like there’s hope in winning the battle, and that’s something.