Maybe that’s what I should have called my blog, because, seriously, I feel like I stay out of whack somehow.
Take for instance yesterday. It was Mabon here on my side of the world. Before the move, I had all these plans for what I would do, how things would be, when we got back out on our own. I’d take walks with my fur-baby. I’d blog more regularly, focusing in particular on all things Pagan, including holidays. I’d plan holiday dinners, even if the kids couldn’t make it…so many things.
It’s been two weeks and I’ve yet to do much of anything. Yesterday was Mabon and it completely escaped me until I got on G+ and saw everyone wishing each other a Blessed Mabon and Happy Ostara.
Granted, I’ve been depressed and worry has played a large part in my life for quite a while now.
Getting out on our own again, which I thought would relieve much of my stress and worry, seems to have just given me different things to worry about.
I’ve felt very alone the last few weeks. I can’t figure out if the distance I feel is internal or external, but it’s bothered me.
It seems that many of my relationships are changing, or have changed, and it’s left me feeling unsure and out of balance. It’s also left me wondering if I should try to reconnect to people in the same ways or if I should just accept the changes and move on.
I’m not generally one for pushing myself on people and one relationship in particular is starting to make me feel like I am. I feel like this person is intentionally creating distance between us and I can’t figure out why. All I know for certain is that the flavor of the relationship is different somehow.
My relationship with my spirituality is changing, too, although that feels like a less drastic change…or maybe it’s a pattern. I have noticed that when I start to feel separated from people and my life, my spirituality often experiences a coinciding shift. Perhaps all the change is radiating from within and what I’m feeling is the ripple effects, although it seems, at least in one case, that the change began with them.
Draco, my husband, is going through a shift of his own.
He has considered himself Pagan almost as long as I have, but he’s struggled over the years with actually walking the path.
For years, I think we both got caught up in jobs, bills, raising Witchlet, friends…it was often hard to find the time for serious practice. I’ve always managed to find my way back but for him, it’s been harder. Granted, over the years, he’s worked consistently and I haven’t, so I have had a little more idle time to fill than he has.
Last night, he told me that he wants to become more involved in seeking out his path and I’m trying to help him get started.
We all know that I can only walk part of his path with him. Eventually there will come a time when he will have to find his own way, but I’m helping where I can.
We’re starting a practice of open discussion on spiritual topics in an effort to help him discover where he currently stands on things. What he knows/remembers/feels, to help him find a starting point.
Paganism requires us to first know ourselves. The particular branch of Paganism he was following before doesn’t seem to fit as well as it did back then, so he is searching for where to go from here. We’re starting from the bottom again with where his thoughts are now on his pre-Pagan beliefs. The next thing for him to tackle will be what he wants/expects to gain from Paganism to see if his needs and expectations have changed.
I’m sure they have. I know mine has. Neither of us are in our 20’s anymore. We’ve both seen and experienced a lot in 20 years. Our needs, values and outlook on life has changed greatly over the years, and in the last few months in particular.
Helping him is also helping me. It’s been a while since I reevaluated my thoughts and beliefs on spirituality. I’ve learned a lot over the years and this is helping me see where and how I have changed as well.
To some, I suppose this would be an exciting time but to us, these kinds of fundamental shifts are often painful…like growing pains. We both see and accept the need for what we’re doing, but that rarely makes the process easier.
At any rate, this is where I am right now. Kind of hanging in the void between shifts.
I feel like The Fool in some ways, one foot hanging in the unknown and one on the ledge, unable to see what’s before me.
Change is often scary. Sometimes that next step can leave you feeling like you’re in free-fall in your life and in yourself, and that’s how I feel just now, like I’m in free-fall.