The pain was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.  All my fears welled up inside me until I felt that I would burst from the pressure.  How could I possibly be doing this?  I was too young, my marriage, though still new, was already in trouble.  What was I thinking?

Then, a soft cry that became a lusty bellow into the stillness of a new day.  It was done.  Months of fear, pain and discomfort evaporated as I looked into the deep blue eyes of the life I’d created.  I knew in that moment that my life was no longer my own.  I vowed that I would do anything I could to give you the love that had never been mine, to shelter you from the suffering I had endured.

But time is a funny thing.  The wheel sometimes spins so fast that you wake up one day and realize an entire life has passed in the blink of an eye.

I can still see you in my mind’s eye with wrinkled pink skin, tiny fits already pumping in the defiance you would one day possess.

Bouncing in your seat to the beat of the radio.

Drool running down your chin, cookie grasped firmly in hands you were still learning to use and a crooked smile displaying two tiny white teeth.

I see chubby legs stumbling across the yard to chase one of your ever-present dragonflies.

Streaking through the house with no shame, soaking wet from a bath and laughing madly as you evaded the towel.  Mischief and mayhem following in your wake.

Head laying in my lap, whispers of “I love you” as you drifted to sleep.

A perfect princess in a pink Tu-Tu.  Long hair tied up and reminding me how much you had grown.

A vision in black with a flower pinned to your dress, me hiding behind a camera I was too shaky to hold to keep you from seeing how emotional I was.

Realizing that although you’ll always be my baby, that you no longer are a Heidibaby.

Watching you bring your own life into the world and seeing the love shine in your eyes as you held your own miracle.  Realizing that my baby had become a mommy herself.

Moments and pain and pride, success and failure mingle with the tears of years gone by and flash through my mind as I sit at my computer and think of the wiggling pink bundle of love I brought into this world.  Although it seems like only yesterday, it was, in fact, 21 years ago.

It’s still hard to remember sometimes that you’re grown now with a child of your own.  It’s a feeling I often think I will never get used to.

I love you and I’ve never regretted a moment I spent with you.  I only regret that those moments couldn’t pass slower, that I didn’t have the knowledge then that I have now, so that I could have enjoyed them more fully.  My heart is full of my love for you.

Happy Birthday, Witchlet.  Mommy loves you.


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